Dear Jellyteeth,
As expected, Week 1 of the Top 12 was lackluster. I accurately remember few of the contestants' names, and almost all of the good nicknames have already been kicked off. I kinda remember, or may have invented, some vaguely interesting allusions to sibling rivalry in the home interviews. I do acutely remember feeling ripped off by the producers for conspiring to keep Kara's Jagger rooster strut off-camera. Because you KNOW it happened at least during Fauxkey's "Gimme Shelter." She strutted about WAR. Can I have some green beer now?
Anyway, here is what I remember about the actual performances:
Big Mike: Actually, I'm going to let you swing at this - since he did something with your beloved "Miss You."
Didi: I decided I can't stand her. She interviewed that she is a middle sister and she is the "artistic, dreamy" one. Subtext: "I'm the hot, special one." Total bitchslap to her sisters, wutt!? Then she wandered around the stage singing "Play With Fire" making angy faces that she thinks are sexy because she doesn't really know what to do with her own hotness and no one has ever told her she looks ridiculous. You can't snarl the word "Knightsbridge," okay? It is where Harrod's and Harvey Nicks is. What's threatening or sexy there? Um, nothing. It's like snarling about East 88th St or the Central Park Boathouse.
As expected, Week 1 of the Top 12 was lackluster. I accurately remember few of the contestants' names, and almost all of the good nicknames have already been kicked off. I kinda remember, or may have invented, some vaguely interesting allusions to sibling rivalry in the home interviews. I do acutely remember feeling ripped off by the producers for conspiring to keep Kara's Jagger rooster strut off-camera. Because you KNOW it happened at least during Fauxkey's "Gimme Shelter." She strutted about WAR. Can I have some green beer now?
Anyway, here is what I remember about the actual performances:
Big Mike: Actually, I'm going to let you swing at this - since he did something with your beloved "Miss You."
Didi: I decided I can't stand her. She interviewed that she is a middle sister and she is the "artistic, dreamy" one. Subtext: "I'm the hot, special one." Total bitchslap to her sisters, wutt!? Then she wandered around the stage singing "Play With Fire" making angy faces that she thinks are sexy because she doesn't really know what to do with her own hotness and no one has ever told her she looks ridiculous. You can't snarl the word "Knightsbridge," okay? It is where Harrod's and Harvey Nicks is. What's threatening or sexy there? Um, nothing. It's like snarling about East 88th St or the Central Park Boathouse.
Katie: Blech, of course she is from Connecticut, that bastion of prissy, beige mediocrity and self-satisfaction. I wish she would just chuck on her Tory Burch logo flats and go back home. And also, quit smiling. Not even worth posting her video.
Tim Urban (is that his name): He really Jason Mrazed the Stones, didn'ee? What song did he sing? Who cares. The only interesting part about his segment was the home interview when his less talented brother basically made sure America knows that he beats Tim up with his muscles whenever he wants, because he can.
Siobhan: Um, and of course she has a Gashlycrumb Tinies tattoo. Between that, and the rest of her quirky goth-lite outfit, and singing "Paint It Black," I very nearly giggled. I guess this was a highlight? The whole thing reminded me of the performance art scene in She's All That, a movie I cannot abide. In retrospect, it would have been pretty cool if Tim Urban had come back on stage at the end to improvise a ditty about hacky-sack while she looked on, freshly bespectacled and shoulders slouched forward so that we could all forget she has breasts. Also, comparisons to Glambert by the judgery: NO.
Beaverlox: I mean. Whatever. I left the room to take a shower after she started going full-Linda Perry with her face. I had to wash it off. You knew she had it in her. Can't Beaverlox just skip this part of her career and start producing fun P!nk albums already? Compare, if you dare:
Finally, lame way to end the show. Lame song choice on both the singer and the show. If they ended with this, why didn't they just lead with Fauxkey and be all literal about Let It Bleed?
Overall disappointments: Ellen is officially a waste of space and airtime. No one chose something perverse and amazing and unexpected. Big Mike on "2000 Lightyears From Home" perhaps? Katie dressed in a Hell's Angels' jacket and fishnets to belt "Sympathy For The Devil?" Now THAT'S entertainment.
Overall delights: Because I watched it on my DVR and skipped all the filler it only took an hour. Okay, fine, I really liked many of the interviews with the parents. Many were genuinely proud and deeply humbled by their child's success and I found that touching. (Others are from Connecticut.) I also love that several of the contestants (Fauxkey, Siobhan, Beaverlox) are genuinely talented outsiders who made this far to Idol without financial resources, vocal coaches or Sparkle Motion. (Another is from Connecticut.) Let's hope the talented underdogs can do something good next week.
I have no guesses about who will go home tonight. You?
Your queen of the underground,
Cold Cuts
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