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Friday, April 16, 2010


Smell ya later, Fauxkey & Miss Teen CT

Monday, April 12, 2010

Puh-leeze, Mister Postman

Dear Jellyteeth,

Welcome back, buddy.

I appreciate your diligent desire to address every episode, no matter how tardy your post (get it, post, like, the mail. And a blog post. BOTH!).

In fact, I was a little bit delighted when I at first misread the intention of your last letter's opener: "Holy shit this is the latest entry of all-time." When I read that my first thought was "Wow, how clever my pen-pal Jellyteeth is! When he hit 'publish' it sure WAS the latest blog entry of ALL-TIME. Well, for like a nanosecond or less, but that guy really does tell the truth."

I'm just full of double-meanings tonight, Jells. I think it's because of this terrible news I've got on my mind:

Also, Jellyteeth, I admit to owning a less diligent constitution. I can't and won't address Usher week. I watched it while very tipsy on wine with your sister, Puddinteeth, and I have nothing to say. Not much recollection. Bye bye to Didi, your beloved Julie Cooperish chanteuse.

On to Lennon/McCartney week before the return of GLAMBERT as tomorrow's mentor. Boy oh boy, finally something to write home about!

I realize that there are two things Beatles week always teaches me:
1) When a contestant pulls off a decent cover, it only ever reminds me of a version I like much, much better; and
2) There are some Beatles songs that should just NEVER be attempted if one wants to be taken seriously. Some of these songs remind me of wearing a costume instead of clothes.

(Man, why isn't Michael Kors an AI judge: "You look fabulous, honey, but you SOUND like a jelly doughnut in a jigsaw!")

Examples to follow.

Now, dear pal, on to provide you with my thoughts on the performances...

Aaron - all I have to say is: more like "The Long And Whining Road"

Simon is such an impatient tomato tonight. And it's only the first song. Delicious. I could eat him like a hand fruit.

Miss Teen CT's wooden "Single Ladies" dancing only lends further support to my suggestion that she was a member of a Sparkle Motion-type dance troupe as a child. Her song was pretty but boring and forgettable. I *literally* just watched her sing this for the second time and I have already forgotten which song she tackled. Oh good god, thanks, KA-RA, for singing the chorus into Simon's face and reminding me that it was "Let It Be." She was obvs such a sad case in high school, dispensing blowjobs and cupcakes to the drama club in equal measure, no doubt!

Fauxkey. This is a very clear example of Beatles-week lesson #2. "Can't Buy Me Love." Golly, just do the African Anteater Rital and really make a night of it! Please? Fine, Fauxkey, I'll just DO IT MYSELF:

I can't believe he didn't get sent home for that.

Big Mike - I don't know. I didn't hate his "Eleanor Rigby." I agree with Simon that it could have been in a musical. It was theatrical enough that I forgot for a minute that he is Nell Carter. Is that good or sad?

Now time for Barberpox. She's looking especially co-op tonight. Oh yeah - I forgot. It's stunt instrument week. Didgeridoo. She must be longing for Burning Man. You know, she is so talented, bu I just can't care about what she sings. Her "Come Together" suffers (see lesson #1), as I recently purchased an Ike & Tina album by the same name, and Tina SLAYS the song. Here is a video of Tina & her girls to show you what I mean:

(Also, there is no such thing as sexier backup dancers. They don't exist. I don't care what your mom told you.)

T'Urban, that little cheeky, toothy monkey. "All My Loving" is very nearly a lesson #2. It all feels very talent show to me (next time, do it with a hacky-sack). Why oh why won't he Megan Joy-it tonight? The closest he came was matting his hair down a little bit for a weak-sauce Beatles mop-top facsimile. Not cutting it T'Urban! Next.

Oooh! Casey James is up. My fave. What I have to say about Casey James' performance of some Lennon song I don't know can be summed up by this visual equation:

(Didn't you know that this is even more perfect on account of that doll's name is Li'l Stinker? It is! And it is!)

You know what? I think that Casey James might be a "cheesedick."

Oh Siobhan, you lovely little artsy weirdo minx, you! "Across The Universe." I have some dark and light associations with this song, Jells. Dark = that horrible Beatles-flavored movie that Puddinteeth forced me to watch one night. Eesh. Light = Rufus Wainright's gorgeous version of this song.

(Bonus! Little Dakota Fanning in the video. Damnit! I can't believe I still haven't seen The Runaways. That is some bullshit I'm calling on myself right here.)

I think Siobhan's voice sounded sort of strange. But her outfit is insane enough to amuse.
("You sounded great, honey, but you LOOK like a crinoline cake pedestal!")

Oooooh da-lolly! Hangdog closes the night! (OK BIG UPS to Bowersox for making a Hangdog / Fauxkey = Gokey babies comment. I sort of love her now. I even spelled her name properly.)

Closing out the night with "Hey Jude" is so boring and obvious and anthemic. But you know what isn't obvious: a bagpipe player. He totally telegraphed the stunt too - he got too excited and opened his eyes and mouth really wide. I could tell because I do the same damn thing every single time I make a pun. (I got no ... joker face! Yeah, I just did it there. Alone at home, no less.)

You totally pegged it - he never should have gained any confidence. Now he is pure cornball. But I love it. I love him. I am rooting for Cornball Juggalo Hangdog Dewyze to take it all. He won't, but he is just BLOSSOMING in front of us.

So we know that no one got kicked off amidst all of this Beatlemania. Glambert is the mentor this week. And two go home. Finally some drama. Let's get rid of some of these jokerz!

I don't know why you say hello, I say goodbye,
Cold Cuts

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Miley Serious

Dear Cold Cuts.

Holy shit this is the latest entry of all-time. I have what feels like years of performances to cover. That’s mostly because the shows are so. Ridiculously. LONG. I can barely digest one before the next is upon us. Also, I’ve been outta town. Tooling around the Pacific Northwest is way better than anything related to Season 9.

I’m a completist, so I’m gonna take it back (way back). Let’s make the Miley Cyrus thing quick.

Juggalo DEWYZE – yes corny, yes connick, yes blargh in general. But – everything must be taken in context; this was the most different he’s been from his low-budget, dorm-living hackey-sacking Creed-loving broham than ever, and for that he deserves someone to mimic a pat on the back while he’s not looking. Because I don’t EVER want him to get that confidence together.

Paige – I hope she brought enough coloring books for the flight home.

Tim Urban – he shall know be referred to as T’Urban. It’s just too convenient. Did you know that he’s a swaggering bluesy crooner? And did you also know that girls think he’s just adorable? Guys like this are as rare as hydrogen molecules and I genuinely don’t know how anyone would pick him out of a lineup, much less out of *this* lineup. He’s making it through by the skin of his pointy canine teeth, boosted by the country’s current obsession with inoffensive pretty-boy vampires. Fuck ‘im.

Aaron Ghey – I do not recall a second of what he did with his singing voice, only the moment where he claimed to have a crush on sMiley. If you squinted carefully at his oily face, you could see a reflection of the producer conducting the interview, and the knife they were threatening to cut him with if he failed to say something implying he was a heterosexual. This technique was refined a couple of seasons ago, when Archuleta forced them to take drastic measures.

Beavrshlocks – this felt like another friggin’ “duh” performance. I don’t know when I stopped rooting for you, but I did, and I can acknowledge that you’re the best without wanting you to do well. Just everything about you seems so friggin’ obvious. Even a tiny dash of ‘surprise’ could change my mind.

Big Mike – deleted from memory. in its place, the opening credits to Give Me A Break are running, with T’Urban reprising Joey Lawrence’s role.

Fauxkey – here’s the conversation K-Bo and I had when he started his bit.
K: ohmigod, this is retarded. It’s going to be terrible. And I HATE this song. It reminds me of nothing but the California Raisins.
C: holy shit, he IS a California Raisin! Look!

Casey – this is kidding, right? Like you heard paige in rehearsals and approached the band with the last-minute change, with a sales pitch along the lines of “why not, there’s no WAY it’ll be bad enough to get me voted down. Besides, this number used to get me HELLA ‘tang back home, and you guys could really be in for some amazing sloppy seconds is all I’m saying.” It’s the singular explanation for such ridiculous decision-making.

Didi – I get the point, and I also get why it was weird and like a burlesque show or whatever Simon probably compared it to. I also think that in the context of this horror-show, it was fine. At least she looked like she was having fun, even if it was snarly ‘sexy’ fun.

Siobhan – I don’t recall when/where/what/how she performed, and it was only your letter that explained she closed the show, so it must’ve been okaaaayyyyy or something. Congrats, Siobhan – you did, like, something tonight!

So yeah, one of the worst shows ever. The real takeaway from all this was, Hannah Montana is a surprisingly unlikeable person to be the star that she is. What’s up with her meth-whore voice? Not cool. Anyway, My ennui is hopefully peaking. I can’t believe there’s still two more shows to recap. Sorry for this lame-ass letter, Cold Cuts, but I’m already weary from the task ahead.

TTYL (but not much L),

Thursday, March 25, 2010

#1 Hit Song

Dear Jellyteeth,

Oh, boy. I am finally watching Idol. Whatta week. I've consumed too much alcohol this week. I have no answers for you. I only have questions. I'm "live blogging" to my DVR this week. This is gonna be a bad letter.

Overall question - why isn't Miley Cyrus wearing pants in her role as Mentor?

1. WHY is Hangdog doing a cruise-ship Harry Conick Jr rendition of "The Letter?"
(And what does Randy mean when he said he "knocked it out of the box?" And thank you, Simon, for once again being the lone voice of reason among the judgery. Because that was SO corny. He should have just performed the That 70s Show theme song if he wanted to piss off dead Alex Chilton.)

2. When did Paige forget how to sing, and also how to use consonants? ("Just the memory of your faaaaayyaaahh...")

3. Why why why had Tim Urban waited so long to pull a "slide into home" move like that? He is officially my density of this season. He is the new Megan Joy. He's going to continue to pull weird, cheeseball moves because it's all he's got.

4. Aaron - he's wearing girl jeans. With Miley Cryrus. He's wearing her jeans. He snuck into her trailer, spritzed himself with her perfume, had a bit of a roll around in her clothes and snagged 'em. THAT'S why she's not wearing pants. He took 'em! BraVO, Miley, the mentoring must go on. Just put on those sansapants pants and OK, now I'm getting some answers!

5. Beavherloks: OH MY GOD, singing Janis Joplin? Could you be more obvious, Beav? Next.

6. Big Mike. All I can see is Nell Carter. You're a genius, Jellyteeth. Give me a break. I don't remember anything he sang, and I just finished watching.

7. Fauxkey! Oh, he is making a Marvin Gaye song stiff. Why would he go and do a thing like that?
I liked the hair washing dance he did to illustrate "just about to loowowosooz my mind" though.

8. Miss Teen CT is going to sing the one really boring Fergie song there is. I can't. I fastforward. Why does my skin feel so oily today? Hmm, time for a mask.

9. Casey! Ringletted Eddie Vedder. What will he do? Oh. God. Oh God this could be amazing. "The Power Of Love." And I already made a Back To The Future joke! Yess. Wow, this is cheesy. He is laughing at himself. He is flanked by two muscular guitar players who are OWNING the pelvic thrusting. What?

10. Didi. Will she make snarl face? Yes! She is looking extra Julie Cooper tonight. Ryan called her "Didi Bonimi" banana fanna fo fimi. Thanks, Ryan.

11. Oh, boy, how sill Siobhan bring the weird tonight? I hope it is brilliant. GIVE ME SOMEONE TO ROOT FOR, show! Her hair is like a punk rock Bride of Frankenstein. Bride of Frankenstein by way of The Fabulous Stains. I'm Siobhan and I don't put out!

Anyway, I'm sorry, Jellyteeth, this was a bad letter. It was almost as bad of a letter as Hangdog's "The Letter." I'm lost without you.

The only thing I miss more than you right now is Megan Joy. Megan Joy and the whistle-peeping.

Caw, caw!
Cold Cuts

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Bon Voyage, Jellyteeth

Dear Jellyteeth,

I already miss you. While you're off making noise up and down my beloved west coast for a week, I'll be writing to you about American Idol. Perhaps you could send me a postcard from the road? Or maybe you can mail me a cocktail from Clyde Common. Just shove it in a box and slap a stamp on it. The postal worker won't mind. And I'm not above sucking on cardboard.

I didn't watch last night's episode yet, as I was too busy drowning my sorrows about your impending departure. But I hear that your favorite hangdog sang "The Letter." A fitting tribute for Alex Chilton, I'm sure. I'm looking forward to hearing what advice Miley Cyrus' perky round cheeks have to give to the contestants. I'll watch it to night after I celebrate your girl's 30th bday without you.

Safe travels, happy guitar feedback!

-Cold Cuts

Monday, March 22, 2010

Weak one is RIGHT

Dear Cold Cuts,

Well, this episode went about how I expected. A lot of grody outfits, uncomfortable vocal adventures, and the confirmation that Aaron Kelly is ridiculously gay - though tonight, he threw us all a curveball when announced (via his hairstyle) that he's actually a lesbian. I did not see that one coming.

So, let’s get onto the performance craptacular, shall we?

Big Mike: okay, I’ll admit up front that I’m one million percent biased about “Miss You”. It probably sits somewhere on my Top 100 Favorite Songs Ever – in no small part because it takes a very simple concept and expresses the concept in a very simple, straightforward, un-self-conscious manner, and then is set to music that doesn’t try to express that concept. I’ve been working on a cover of this song for months, and I’m still not happy with the approach, mostly because I can hear someone like Greg Dulli doing a gospel-soaked, tortured, screaming-himself-hoarse, 45-to-33rpms version that would blow us all away, and I’ll never make it sound as good as he could, so maybe I should just get practical, and instead work on writing a convincing letter to him pleading that he record and release his own cover, because christ, why hasn’t HE thought of this yet, it’s so fucking obvious, to, like, EVERYBODY.

So taking the aforementioned into account, I think I’m evaluating the performance objectively when I point out that Big Mike A) stupidly arranged the song in such a way that anyone happening to overhear him might think “huh, I don’t remember Higher Ground sounding so LAME” and B) looked like a gross bald version of Nell Carter while he did it:

Didi: I think you covered the obvious points. I do want to say that, while Didi’s probably the voice that I enjoy the most out of all these assholes, she made me VERY anxious this week. She warbled all over the place, reached for notes she doesn’t really hang out with that often, and I kept waiting for her to collapse in a heap of snarls and unflattering vibrato. Beyond that, the stylists somehow managed to age her like 20 years - which worked for me; there was something very Julie Cooper about the look (down n’ out trailer park era JC.) Cold Cuts, you know I like a trashy woman, so I wasn’t complaining…but I could see it turning off the voters a smidge. Also, while I can appreciate the spirit of her arrangement – attempting to set Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" somewhere in the 1977 – it came across like something horrible you’d see on stage at the Renn Faire, if you ever went to the Renn Faire.

Also, this song should only be sung by a dude. Not yellin just sayin.

 Gozer: speaking of Renn Faire, jesus christ. I didn't think anyone could out-gay Aaron, but her version of Ruby Tuesday was like a Wild Wild West tranny prostitute doing street theater. Everything I just said is basically how I view the Renn Faire. Also, I hate her guts. I'm so tired of her Sharon Osbourne hair and glittery eyes and off-shoulder tops and absent personality. I can't wait for her to sit on a knife, or at least get voted off the show.

Tim Urban: This kid is like a much preppier Eric Stoltz, a fact that is NOT to his credit. That name also drives me crazy - is it like a Dave Matthews reference or something? Oh, you're going to do a shitty "reggae" version of a shitty song? That's great, thanks. Sounds shitty and is more or less shitty. The show isn't called Teen Idol (although sometimes it oughtta be.) #donglisted.

Lee Dewyze: Dude, I *still* don't believe that's how your name is spelled. I think you ran the original through a Juggalo Name Generator and DEWYZE is what came out, and you thought it suited that corny "I've been a very bad dog AGAIN and I'm very sorry" face you're always making. Also Liana pointed out that you sound like Adam Duritz, a statement that is both completely true and completely off-putting for me.

All that being said, I sorta root for him as a person. You can tell he only hears the negative comments he gets, and you're like "dude - believe in yourself a little! They love you! They're telling you the good shit!" I'm sure that the instant he displays a shred of self-confidence, I'll hate him without mercy.

Aaron "Disney Gay" Kelly: I'm just gonna quote KB here, when she so accurately remarked "I think he's doing the Tori Amos version of the song. This is awful." Nuff said.

Beaverlockx: you were spot-on with your breakdown; I have nothing to add. Also, thanks for bringing up 4 Non-Blondes, who trigger a very specific rage in me.

I'm sharing your disappointments - particularly Ellen, who apparently just finished up the fall semester at SMCC, where Randy teaches part-time ("Public Speaking 4.3: Talking Without Purpose or Meaning".) Regardless of who gets the axe, I'm rooting for the following scenario: Tim Urban to be placed onstage Wednesday night wearing nothing but Chippendale's attire. "Musical" guest Ke$ha strolls out onto the stage dressed like a succubus, and struts around him boldly, holding a pitchfork. After a few spanks and caresses, she spears him through the heart, and he dies on live national broadcast.

Also, I guess I want Lacey to go home.

Yours 'til Niagara Falls,

Wednesday, March 17, 2010


This is what I have to say about Casey James: