Dear Cold Cuts,
Well, this episode went about how I expected. A lot of grody outfits, uncomfortable vocal adventures, and the confirmation that Aaron Kelly is ridiculously gay - though tonight, he threw us all a curveball when announced (via his hairstyle) that he's actually a lesbian. I did not see that one coming.
So, let’s get onto the performance craptacular, shall we?
Big Mike: okay, I’ll admit up front that I’m one million percent biased about “Miss You”. It probably sits somewhere on my Top 100 Favorite Songs Ever – in no small part because it takes a very simple concept and expresses the concept in a very simple, straightforward, un-self-conscious manner, and then is set to music that doesn’t try to express that concept. I’ve been working on a cover of this song for months, and I’m still not happy with the approach, mostly because I can hear someone like Greg Dulli doing a gospel-soaked, tortured, screaming-himself-hoarse, 45-to-33rpms version that would blow us all away, and I’ll never make it sound as good as he could, so maybe I should just get practical, and instead work on writing a convincing letter to him pleading that he record and release his own cover, because christ, why hasn’t HE thought of this yet, it’s so fucking obvious, to, like, EVERYBODY.
So taking the aforementioned into account, I think I’m evaluating the performance objectively when I point out that Big Mike A) stupidly arranged the song in such a way that anyone happening to overhear him might think “huh, I don’t remember Higher Ground sounding so LAME” and B) looked like a gross bald version of Nell Carter while he did it:
Didi: I think you covered the obvious points. I do want to say that, while Didi’s probably the voice that I enjoy the most out of all these assholes, she made me VERY anxious this week. She warbled all over the place, reached for notes she doesn’t really hang out with that often, and I kept waiting for her to collapse in a heap of snarls and unflattering vibrato. Beyond that, the stylists somehow managed to age her like 20 years - which worked for me; there was something very Julie Cooper about the look (down n’ out trailer park era JC.) Cold Cuts, you know I like a trashy woman, so I wasn’t complaining…but I could see it turning off the voters a smidge. Also, while I can appreciate the spirit of her arrangement – attempting to set Bon Jovi's "Wanted Dead or Alive" somewhere in the 1977 – it came across like something horrible you’d see on stage at the Renn Faire, if you ever went to the Renn Faire.
Also, this song should only be sung by a dude. Not yellin just sayin.
Gozer: speaking of Renn Faire, jesus christ. I didn't think anyone could out-gay Aaron, but her version of Ruby Tuesday was like a Wild Wild West tranny prostitute doing street theater. Everything I just said is basically how I view the Renn Faire. Also, I hate her guts. I'm so tired of her Sharon Osbourne hair and glittery eyes and off-shoulder tops and absent personality. I can't wait for her to sit on a knife, or at least get voted off the show.
Tim Urban: This kid is like a much preppier Eric Stoltz, a fact that is NOT to his credit. That name also drives me crazy - is it like a Dave Matthews reference or something? Oh, you're going to do a shitty "reggae" version of a shitty song? That's great, thanks. Sounds shitty and is more or less shitty. The show isn't called Teen Idol (although sometimes it oughtta be.) #donglisted.
Lee Dewyze: Dude, I *still* don't believe that's how your name is spelled. I think you ran the original through a Juggalo Name Generator and DEWYZE is what came out, and you thought it suited that corny "I've been a very bad dog AGAIN and I'm very sorry" face you're always making. Also Liana pointed out that you sound like Adam Duritz, a statement that is both completely true and completely off-putting for me.
All that being said, I sorta root for him as a person. You can tell he only hears the negative comments he gets, and you're like "dude - believe in yourself a little! They love you! They're telling you the good shit!" I'm sure that the instant he displays a shred of self-confidence, I'll hate him without mercy.
Aaron "Disney Gay" Kelly: I'm just gonna quote KB here, when she so accurately remarked "I think he's doing the Tori Amos version of the song. This is awful." Nuff said.
Beaverlockx: you were spot-on with your breakdown; I have nothing to add. Also, thanks for bringing up 4 Non-Blondes, who trigger a very specific rage in me.
I'm sharing your disappointments - particularly Ellen, who apparently just finished up the fall semester at SMCC, where Randy teaches part-time ("Public Speaking 4.3: Talking Without Purpose or Meaning".) Regardless of who gets the axe, I'm rooting for the following scenario: Tim Urban to be placed onstage Wednesday night wearing nothing but Chippendale's attire. "Musical" guest Ke$ha strolls out onto the stage dressed like a succubus, and struts around him boldly, holding a pitchfork. After a few spanks and caresses, she spears him through the heart, and he dies on live national broadcast.
Also, I guess I want Lacey to go home.
Yours 'til Niagara Falls,