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Thursday, March 25, 2010

#1 Hit Song

Dear Jellyteeth,

Oh, boy. I am finally watching Idol. Whatta week. I've consumed too much alcohol this week. I have no answers for you. I only have questions. I'm "live blogging" to my DVR this week. This is gonna be a bad letter.

Overall question - why isn't Miley Cyrus wearing pants in her role as Mentor?

1. WHY is Hangdog doing a cruise-ship Harry Conick Jr rendition of "The Letter?"
(And what does Randy mean when he said he "knocked it out of the box?" And thank you, Simon, for once again being the lone voice of reason among the judgery. Because that was SO corny. He should have just performed the That 70s Show theme song if he wanted to piss off dead Alex Chilton.)

2. When did Paige forget how to sing, and also how to use consonants? ("Just the memory of your faaaaayyaaahh...")

3. Why why why had Tim Urban waited so long to pull a "slide into home" move like that? He is officially my density of this season. He is the new Megan Joy. He's going to continue to pull weird, cheeseball moves because it's all he's got.

4. Aaron - he's wearing girl jeans. With Miley Cryrus. He's wearing her jeans. He snuck into her trailer, spritzed himself with her perfume, had a bit of a roll around in her clothes and snagged 'em. THAT'S why she's not wearing pants. He took 'em! BraVO, Miley, the mentoring must go on. Just put on those sansapants pants and OK, now I'm getting some answers!

5. Beavherloks: OH MY GOD, singing Janis Joplin? Could you be more obvious, Beav? Next.

6. Big Mike. All I can see is Nell Carter. You're a genius, Jellyteeth. Give me a break. I don't remember anything he sang, and I just finished watching.

7. Fauxkey! Oh, he is making a Marvin Gaye song stiff. Why would he go and do a thing like that?
I liked the hair washing dance he did to illustrate "just about to loowowosooz my mind" though.

8. Miss Teen CT is going to sing the one really boring Fergie song there is. I can't. I fastforward. Why does my skin feel so oily today? Hmm, time for a mask.

9. Casey! Ringletted Eddie Vedder. What will he do? Oh. God. Oh God this could be amazing. "The Power Of Love." And I already made a Back To The Future joke! Yess. Wow, this is cheesy. He is laughing at himself. He is flanked by two muscular guitar players who are OWNING the pelvic thrusting. What?

10. Didi. Will she make snarl face? Yes! She is looking extra Julie Cooper tonight. Ryan called her "Didi Bonimi" banana fanna fo fimi. Thanks, Ryan.

11. Oh, boy, how sill Siobhan bring the weird tonight? I hope it is brilliant. GIVE ME SOMEONE TO ROOT FOR, show! Her hair is like a punk rock Bride of Frankenstein. Bride of Frankenstein by way of The Fabulous Stains. I'm Siobhan and I don't put out!

Anyway, I'm sorry, Jellyteeth, this was a bad letter. It was almost as bad of a letter as Hangdog's "The Letter." I'm lost without you.

The only thing I miss more than you right now is Megan Joy. Megan Joy and the whistle-peeping.

Caw, caw!
Cold Cuts

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