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Monday, April 12, 2010

Puh-leeze, Mister Postman

Dear Jellyteeth,

Welcome back, buddy.

I appreciate your diligent desire to address every episode, no matter how tardy your post (get it, post, like, the mail. And a blog post. BOTH!).

In fact, I was a little bit delighted when I at first misread the intention of your last letter's opener: "Holy shit this is the latest entry of all-time." When I read that my first thought was "Wow, how clever my pen-pal Jellyteeth is! When he hit 'publish' it sure WAS the latest blog entry of ALL-TIME. Well, for like a nanosecond or less, but that guy really does tell the truth."

I'm just full of double-meanings tonight, Jells. I think it's because of this terrible news I've got on my mind:

Also, Jellyteeth, I admit to owning a less diligent constitution. I can't and won't address Usher week. I watched it while very tipsy on wine with your sister, Puddinteeth, and I have nothing to say. Not much recollection. Bye bye to Didi, your beloved Julie Cooperish chanteuse.

On to Lennon/McCartney week before the return of GLAMBERT as tomorrow's mentor. Boy oh boy, finally something to write home about!

I realize that there are two things Beatles week always teaches me:
1) When a contestant pulls off a decent cover, it only ever reminds me of a version I like much, much better; and
2) There are some Beatles songs that should just NEVER be attempted if one wants to be taken seriously. Some of these songs remind me of wearing a costume instead of clothes.

(Man, why isn't Michael Kors an AI judge: "You look fabulous, honey, but you SOUND like a jelly doughnut in a jigsaw!")

Examples to follow.

Now, dear pal, on to provide you with my thoughts on the performances...

Aaron - all I have to say is: more like "The Long And Whining Road"

Simon is such an impatient tomato tonight. And it's only the first song. Delicious. I could eat him like a hand fruit.

Miss Teen CT's wooden "Single Ladies" dancing only lends further support to my suggestion that she was a member of a Sparkle Motion-type dance troupe as a child. Her song was pretty but boring and forgettable. I *literally* just watched her sing this for the second time and I have already forgotten which song she tackled. Oh good god, thanks, KA-RA, for singing the chorus into Simon's face and reminding me that it was "Let It Be." She was obvs such a sad case in high school, dispensing blowjobs and cupcakes to the drama club in equal measure, no doubt!

Fauxkey. This is a very clear example of Beatles-week lesson #2. "Can't Buy Me Love." Golly, just do the African Anteater Rital and really make a night of it! Please? Fine, Fauxkey, I'll just DO IT MYSELF:

I can't believe he didn't get sent home for that.

Big Mike - I don't know. I didn't hate his "Eleanor Rigby." I agree with Simon that it could have been in a musical. It was theatrical enough that I forgot for a minute that he is Nell Carter. Is that good or sad?

Now time for Barberpox. She's looking especially co-op tonight. Oh yeah - I forgot. It's stunt instrument week. Didgeridoo. She must be longing for Burning Man. You know, she is so talented, bu I just can't care about what she sings. Her "Come Together" suffers (see lesson #1), as I recently purchased an Ike & Tina album by the same name, and Tina SLAYS the song. Here is a video of Tina & her girls to show you what I mean:

(Also, there is no such thing as sexier backup dancers. They don't exist. I don't care what your mom told you.)

T'Urban, that little cheeky, toothy monkey. "All My Loving" is very nearly a lesson #2. It all feels very talent show to me (next time, do it with a hacky-sack). Why oh why won't he Megan Joy-it tonight? The closest he came was matting his hair down a little bit for a weak-sauce Beatles mop-top facsimile. Not cutting it T'Urban! Next.

Oooh! Casey James is up. My fave. What I have to say about Casey James' performance of some Lennon song I don't know can be summed up by this visual equation:

(Didn't you know that this is even more perfect on account of that doll's name is Li'l Stinker? It is! And it is!)

You know what? I think that Casey James might be a "cheesedick."

Oh Siobhan, you lovely little artsy weirdo minx, you! "Across The Universe." I have some dark and light associations with this song, Jells. Dark = that horrible Beatles-flavored movie that Puddinteeth forced me to watch one night. Eesh. Light = Rufus Wainright's gorgeous version of this song.

(Bonus! Little Dakota Fanning in the video. Damnit! I can't believe I still haven't seen The Runaways. That is some bullshit I'm calling on myself right here.)

I think Siobhan's voice sounded sort of strange. But her outfit is insane enough to amuse.
("You sounded great, honey, but you LOOK like a crinoline cake pedestal!")

Oooooh da-lolly! Hangdog closes the night! (OK BIG UPS to Bowersox for making a Hangdog / Fauxkey = Gokey babies comment. I sort of love her now. I even spelled her name properly.)

Closing out the night with "Hey Jude" is so boring and obvious and anthemic. But you know what isn't obvious: a bagpipe player. He totally telegraphed the stunt too - he got too excited and opened his eyes and mouth really wide. I could tell because I do the same damn thing every single time I make a pun. (I got no ... joker face! Yeah, I just did it there. Alone at home, no less.)

You totally pegged it - he never should have gained any confidence. Now he is pure cornball. But I love it. I love him. I am rooting for Cornball Juggalo Hangdog Dewyze to take it all. He won't, but he is just BLOSSOMING in front of us.

So we know that no one got kicked off amidst all of this Beatlemania. Glambert is the mentor this week. And two go home. Finally some drama. Let's get rid of some of these jokerz!

I don't know why you say hello, I say goodbye,
Cold Cuts

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